Back Home

I couldn't be more excited to get out of the frozen tundra that is Wisconsin and spend a few weeks in St. John, VI.  But before I can do that, I had to make a little pit stop in Eagle River. I haven't been home in months, but considering the population size of about 1500 people not much changes in that amount of time.  However, to my great surprise, as I drove through town I noticed a new little coffee shop in our "mall".  So  here I sit in the Mocha Moose (gotta love the north woods) enjoying my morning latte--and watching the clock because nothing in this town stays open later than 4 pm.  But already I have been reminded why I love this tiny little town so much.  Already this morning, I have run into old friends, been welcomed by name at the Post Office and grocery store, been smiled and waved at by complete strangers, and had the most genuine conversation with the sweetest old man reading his morning newspaper.  Life is so much simpler here, and while it may not be the most ideal for an aspiring new graduate, it's the best place in the world to call home.

The BEST latte in town=)

Our beautiful lake=)

New Beginnings

At the beginning of this new year, I was on a mission to find a daily devotional.  A friend recommended The Confident Woman Devo by Joyce Meyer and it has been fabulous thus far.  I wanted to share this morning's "food for thought".  Enjoy!

Philippians 3:13-14 "I do not consider, brethren, that I have captured and made it my own; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.  I press on toward the goal to win the prize to what God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward." 


One of the great things about a relationship with God is that He always provides new beginnings.  His Word says that His mercy is new every day.  Jesus chose disciples who had weaknesses and made mistakes, but He continued working with them and helping them become all they could be.  He will do the same thing for you, if you let Him.

Recovering from pain or disappointment of any kind is not something that just happens to some people and not to others. It is a decision! You make a decision to let go and go on.  You gather up the fragments and give them to Jesus, and He will make sure that nothing is wasted (John 6:12).  You refuse to think about what you have lost, and instead you inventory what you have left and begin using it.  Not only can you recover, but you can also be used to help other people recover.  Be a living example of a confident woman who always recovers from setbacks no matter how difficult or frequent they are.

I know that we can all relate to a time of pain or disappointment, a time of weaknesses and mistakes.  Let us remember that God's mercy is new every day, that He wants to work within us and provide those new beginnings.

Philippians 1:6 And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

Cupcakes and Jesus.

I have recently become super overwhelmed with all of the planning/decision-making/figuring-out-my-life ordeals of my post-grad life.  So in effort to relax and de-stress (or in the words of Amanda Seyfried, simply become whelmed) I have enjoyed the following activities. I would recommend them all :)

-Following food/baking blogs and trying new recipes (Cake Pops=amazing)--my sweet tooth and roommate are happy.
-Watching TLC. Favorites include, but are not limited to: DC Cupcakes, Cake Boss, and Say Yes to the Dress) Also am a fan of Coming Home and Secret Millionaire:)
- Going through my closet and donating clothes! What a great way to give back and simplify=)
- Two words: Laughing Yoga. Take a friend, it's totally awkward, and not surprisingly, extremely funny.
- Running: Normally I hate running, or exercising in general, but have found it to be the perfect time to pray--which brings me to my final de-stressing activity.

The whole waiting game of trying to see what job God is leading me to has been much too consuming. During times of prayer, He has constantly been reminding me that He has my life in His hands and will bring me to the right job at the right time, requiring me only to trust and have faith in Him.  And while at times it seems frustrating, I know God is developing the fruits of patience and faith within me.  The following verses have been especially helpful and great reminders to me:

"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps" Proverbs 16:9

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will direct your paths" Proverbs 3:5

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye" Psalm 32:8

However, this final verse is my current favorite =) .....

"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your ways to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass...REST IN THE LORD, and wait patiently for Him. " Psalm 37:4,7

Since graduation, I feel like I have been running around trying to find my place in this world, and instead  have found myself exhausted and without direction.  So the number one activity on my list of de-stressing activities: Resting in the Lord and waiting patiently for Him.

I'm excited.

Life within the Desert

It has been almost one year since my last post. Re-reading my last entry brings back so many feelings-so raw and real, that I wonder how it is that I have made it to today. To try and sum up the events, trials, emotions and feelings of the past 365 days would be impossible, but as I reflect on them it's no doubt that it has been a roller coaster of a ride. I have experienced many of those"color filled" moments and have felt God's sovereign hand in my life. Like I said there have been big events--holidays, weddings, student teaching, graduation!! There have been trials--the seemingly endless weight of health concerns...and the many many emotions that come with all of that.

But it is not that all of these things have kept me so busy that I didn't have time to write. And it is not that I no longer feel the weight of losing such an important person in my life. Honestly, it was the feeling of going backwards.

Within this past year, I have graciously been surrounded by loving people always checking in on me, asking how I am doing since losing my mom. It's a strange feeling, the feeling of your whole reality suddenly becoming something so unfamiliar. Then slowly over the course of a year, this reality becomes the new norm. I have gotten used to life without her in it. And while it makes me sick to admit that, it's the truth. I have adapted and others have made the transition easier. I am so thankful for a Dad who will answer my 3 phone calls a day just to talk about my bad hair day or the new pair of shoes I found on sale. And the many other "moms" who have taken it upon themselves to make me feel loved. But somehow, and more so just recently, I have felt this bitterness within my heart take over.

I know that everyone deals with loss and grief differently. The faith that I have in Christ and the gospel has been such a comfort through it all, and initially is what kept me going, making it through the first few months, that first Christmas, etc. But with each passing day it has gotten harder instead of easier. And I have begun to feel the weight of my stifled anger and resentment towards God---the feeling of going backwards.

So here I am a year later, broken and ready to share my heart. I am not ashamed and I hope that God will use this to only bring more glory to Him who deserves.

I had the wonderful opportunity to visit friends from summer project over in La Crosse this past weekend. And while words cant explain the joy I have in spending time with these people, the greatest part of the trip was the message given at church this morning. The pastor spoke of the Israelites and how God has promised them the Promise Land, however many of them never made it through the desert. He emphasized that we will not automatically experience God's promise or purpose for our life unless we choose to follow Him faithfully and with reckless abandon. See in order for the Israelites to enjoy the blessings of the Promise Land they had to first walk through the desert. But many lost sight of what was promised because of the hardships they faced in the sand. Many turned to idols, began to despise God's provision, and turned their hearts hard against Him. As a result, many did not experience God's promise or purpose for their lives.

And that's when it hit me. In the time of the desert, or our sufferings, we are vulnerable and may miss what God has for us. It is so easy for us to become blind from the sand, heat, and hardships that we may lose sight of the ultimate promise and purpose He has for our life.

Within the past year, I have lost sight of that promise and have become trapped within the desert sand.

So today as I was driving back to Oshkosh I turned on my iPod and began to meditate and process all that I had taken in from the message. My mom's favorite song was I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin and was played at her memorial service. Normally when the song begins to play, I frantically hit the skip button to avoid the waterworks that usually follow. But today I let the song play on and while the waterworks insisted on coming, I was so amazingly reminded of Gods ultimate promise for not only my life, but all of His children.

My mom's life mission was to live in reckless abandon for Her Savior and those who knew her witnessed her live this to the absolute fullest. And so when He so gently called her home she faithfully went, believing in His promise that this was not the end, but only the beginning. And it is in the promise of His Son that I know full well that I will see her again. It is because of Jesus' death on the cross, that I can be assured one day, my amazing mother and I will be together again, on our knees worshiping the One True God. That is the promise that I hold tightly too, even when the sting of death seems to find me in the desert. My prayer for you is that whatever trial you may be facing, that you wouldn't lose sight of God's promise, purpose, and provision for your life.

"I Will Rise"

There's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail

There's an anchor for my soul

I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]

And I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

And rise

I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near

When this darkness breaks to light

And the shadows disappear

And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,

"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I hear the cry of every longing heart,

"Worthy is the Lamb"

Empty spaces

Some days I don't want to get out of bed. Sometimes I'm distracted by friends, school, work, the to-do's of life. Other days when the sun is shining and the temperature is above 20 degrees, I feel the happiness we are meant to experience in each day. But most days I feel the same--neither here nor there, going through each day without many feelings--or maybe too many feelings all at the same time to even recognize them anymore. The reality that my mom is no longer here with me on this Earth is a reality that hits me every morning when I wake up...or when I hear her favorite song, see her favorite flower, remember a memory of her. And if its not while I'm awake, she's in my dreams. Which is such a bittersweet thing--my heart is happy when I'm asleep, but it is then torn apart when I wake up to the reality of this life. Most of the time I don't see God in the midst of this trial...I don't doubt He is there. He appears in the peace that I feel, the strength to get out of bed everyday, and the hope I feel knowing that one day I will see her again. But a wall has manifested a place in my heart and I feel as though my cup is empty. I went for a long walk the other day (before the temp dropped a bazillion degrees)...I grabbed my iPod and walked down to the park hoping to enjoy the beauty of nature. I don't know really what I was expecting to find, but in this lovely state of Wisconsin everything is dead and/or covered in snow and ice. As I walked through the park slightly mad at myself for walking all the way to the park for nothing, I felt God leading me to just sit on a nearby bench. As I looked over the lake and around me, I noticed bits of color trying to peak out through the white snow--trees still holding on to red leaves, grass peaking through the snow, and the bluest of skies. I realized that this was very similar to the way my spiritual walk seemed. Empty, cold, bitter, and dreary, but with glimpses of color--hope, peace, love. My prayer is that He would continue to melt the bitter winter in my heart and fill it with color--this only He can give. I am blinded by a broken heart to see the path set before me, and am in need of a Savior to carry me instead. And while I rest on his chest, I pray he would color in the empty spaces in my heart.

If you want me to

If You Want Me To- Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

ya oh oh no

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to

This thing called Prayer

Since being back at school, it has been refreshing, exciting, unfamiliar and familiar all at the same time. I've tried using other adjectives to describe it, however I can't come up with much other than just surreal. All summer long, I have been preparing for this time...the time to be back at school applying all of the things I learned down in NMB. So as hard as it may be sometimes, and how homesick I may get for a place not even my home, I remember that this is my purpose right now. Being a light to my campus and furthering God's glory here. There has been a lot of awesome things happening already. The thing I am most excited about? Prayer garage. One of my challenges on project was to be a part of the prayer/ world vision team, and honestly I did it for more of the world vision (I have a rather large heart for reaching the world for Christ). However, God really challenged me to focus more on my prayer life. And throughout the summer I saw how powerful prayer really is!! So like I said, project is for preparation...so a close friend of mine and I decided to start a prayer garage on our campus. Prayer garage=an intimate place where for 24 hours at a time, we will have people constantly going to pray for our campus (freshman, dorms, bible studies, professors, etc)! We'll have places for people to put/take prayer requests to be in prayer for one another, a place to write down praises, all sorts of resources...I truly believe God is going to do HUGE things through it, so please pray that it goes well!! It's the first year we'll be having something like this, so we don't really know what to expect...but God is big! The biggest prayer request I have right now is the actual location of the prayer garage. We were originally going to have it literally in our garage...however after some thought realized it may not work since we have no electricity and heat...so we do have a side porch on our house that is enclosed, has an outside door (not to interfere with the girls living downstairs) and is the perfect size room with electricity!! It would literally be PERFECT!! However, one of our roommates is a little hesitant to have it there because it would be somewhat close to her living area, and isn't sure if she wants it there. I'm not sure where else we could do it, so please pray that God would soften her heart to the idea. I definitely don't want Satan to use a disagreement to ruin the relationships within our house over something that could be so amazing!! So that is my biggest prayer right now!!

Also, my roommate and I are co-leading a bible study again this year and are both super excited to see how God uses it!! I'm meeting with two new freshman this week to just tell them more about Crusade and see where they are at spiritually so I am really excited about that!!!

Overall, I'm very excited for this semester...please just continue to pray for the students here at Oshkosh, or movement, and my own walk with God!!! Thanks!!