Empty spaces

Some days I don't want to get out of bed. Sometimes I'm distracted by friends, school, work, the to-do's of life. Other days when the sun is shining and the temperature is above 20 degrees, I feel the happiness we are meant to experience in each day. But most days I feel the same--neither here nor there, going through each day without many feelings--or maybe too many feelings all at the same time to even recognize them anymore. The reality that my mom is no longer here with me on this Earth is a reality that hits me every morning when I wake up...or when I hear her favorite song, see her favorite flower, remember a memory of her. And if its not while I'm awake, she's in my dreams. Which is such a bittersweet thing--my heart is happy when I'm asleep, but it is then torn apart when I wake up to the reality of this life. Most of the time I don't see God in the midst of this trial...I don't doubt He is there. He appears in the peace that I feel, the strength to get out of bed everyday, and the hope I feel knowing that one day I will see her again. But a wall has manifested a place in my heart and I feel as though my cup is empty. I went for a long walk the other day (before the temp dropped a bazillion degrees)...I grabbed my iPod and walked down to the park hoping to enjoy the beauty of nature. I don't know really what I was expecting to find, but in this lovely state of Wisconsin everything is dead and/or covered in snow and ice. As I walked through the park slightly mad at myself for walking all the way to the park for nothing, I felt God leading me to just sit on a nearby bench. As I looked over the lake and around me, I noticed bits of color trying to peak out through the white snow--trees still holding on to red leaves, grass peaking through the snow, and the bluest of skies. I realized that this was very similar to the way my spiritual walk seemed. Empty, cold, bitter, and dreary, but with glimpses of color--hope, peace, love. My prayer is that He would continue to melt the bitter winter in my heart and fill it with color--this only He can give. I am blinded by a broken heart to see the path set before me, and am in need of a Savior to carry me instead. And while I rest on his chest, I pray he would color in the empty spaces in my heart.