But it is not that all of these things have kept me so busy that I didn't have time to write. And it is not that I no longer feel the weight of losing such an important person in my life. Honestly, it was the feeling of going backwards.
Within this past year, I have graciously been surrounded by loving people always checking in on me, asking how I am doing since losing my mom. It's a strange feeling, the feeling of your whole reality suddenly becoming something so unfamiliar. Then slowly over the course of a year, this reality becomes the new norm. I have gotten used to life without her in it. And while it makes me sick to admit that, it's the truth. I have adapted and others have made the transition easier. I am so thankful for a Dad who will answer my 3 phone calls a day just to talk about my bad hair day or the new pair of shoes I found on sale. And the many other "moms" who have taken it upon themselves to make me feel loved. But somehow, and more so just recently, I have felt this bitterness within my heart take over.
I know that everyone deals with loss and grief differently. The faith that I have in Christ and the gospel has been such a comfort through it all, and initially is what kept me going, making it through the first few months, that first Christmas, etc. But with each passing day it has gotten harder instead of easier. And I have begun to feel the weight of my stifled anger and resentment towards God---the feeling of going backwards.
So here I am a year later, broken and ready to share my heart. I am not ashamed and I hope that God will use this to only bring more glory to Him who deserves.
I had the wonderful opportunity to visit friends from summer project over in La Crosse this past weekend. And while words cant explain the joy I have in spending time with these people, the greatest part of the trip was the message given at church this morning. The pastor spoke of the Israelites and how God has promised them the Promise Land, however many of them never made it through the desert. He emphasized that we will not automatically experience God's promise or purpose for our life unless we choose to follow Him faithfully and with reckless abandon. See in order for the Israelites to enjoy the blessings of the Promise Land they had to first walk through the desert. But many lost sight of what was promised because of the hardships they faced in the sand. Many turned to idols, began to despise God's provision, and turned their hearts hard against Him. As a result, many did not experience God's promise or purpose for their lives.
And that's when it hit me. In the time of the desert, or our sufferings, we are vulnerable and may miss what God has for us. It is so easy for us to become blind from the sand, heat, and hardships that we may lose sight of the ultimate promise and purpose He has for our life.
Within the past year, I have lost sight of that promise and have become trapped within the desert sand.
So today as I was driving back to Oshkosh I turned on my iPod and began to meditate and process all that I had taken in from the message. My mom's favorite song was I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin and was played at her memorial service. Normally when the song begins to play, I frantically hit the skip button to avoid the waterworks that usually follow. But today I let the song play on and while the waterworks insisted on coming, I was so amazingly reminded of Gods ultimate promise for not only my life, but all of His children.
My mom's life mission was to live in reckless abandon for Her Savior and those who knew her witnessed her live this to the absolute fullest. And so when He so gently called her home she faithfully went, believing in His promise that this was not the end, but only the beginning. And it is in the promise of His Son that I know full well that I will see her again. It is because of Jesus' death on the cross, that I can be assured one day, my amazing mother and I will be together again, on our knees worshiping the One True God. That is the promise that I hold tightly too, even when the sting of death seems to find me in the desert. My prayer for you is that whatever trial you may be facing, that you wouldn't lose sight of God's promise, purpose, and provision for your life.
"I Will Rise"
There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"
Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead
[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise
There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes
Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead
And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
