The truth about the last 5 years.

On October 26, 2009--almost 5 years ago--I watched the leaves, in all of their beautiful colors, struggle to hold on to the high branches of the trees just outside the hospital window.  As winter was nearing, their fight would soon be over--quickly falling to the ground, leaving the grass and parking lot covered in leaves.  What once represented new life and the coming of warmer weather, now predicted months of freezing temps, an abundance of snow, and shorter days.  I turned my head back inside the hospital room only to find a very similar situation to the harsh reality outside the window.  My mom lay in bed, having been just put on hospice care.  Like the leaves outside, she too was holding on to the last bit of life she had left. I sat at her side holding her hand, wondering how on earth it had gotten to this point. Months of treatment, surgeries, medications, and prayer still left me clinging to her bedside, wishing for just a little more time. Yet she was strong. She was calm. She was ready to go home. And the very next morning, that's exactly what she did. 

A lot has happened in the following five years. I graduated from college, moved home, became a teacher, moved to a city, went back to college, graduated again, started a new career...yet I can recall the days, weeks, and months following my mom's death like it was yesterday.  And at that time, I wasn't sure I would ever come out from the darkness that seemed to consume me. As I walked around campus, I would see other students walking to class, seemingly without a care in the world. Quite honestly I wanted to walk right up to them and punch them in the face (the anger phase of grief in full force). But instead, I took my anger, hurt, and frustrations to God--who immediately wrapped His arms around me, filling me with peace, strength, and eventually hope. I was blessed to be surrounded by family and friends who supported me, comforted me, encouraged me, and loved me unconditionally.  Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries came and went and though the burden of loss still remained heavy, I was able to celebrate and cherish the memories of such moments spent with my mom. 

We spent the first Christmas without her at my family's home in Montana. Nestled high up in the mountains, "Legends" as the house has come to be known, provided a place of rest, a refuge where I could curl up by the fire, close my eyes, and remember the legacy my mom had left behind.  Taking to heart Matthew 11:28, "Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." I spent the remainder of that week resting in the arms of God, the same strong arms that had carried my mom home the morning she entered Heaven. And ever since I have continued to find comfort in the faithfulness and promises of God. 

So you want to know the truth about the last five years without my mom?? Look to His Word. Within it, I found the Truth that led me out of darkness: His Word "a lamp to my feet, a light unto my path'. In the last five years He has healed my broken heart, bound up my wounds (Psalm 147:3) so that I can face each day anew, stronger than the day before. He has overcome the world, so that you and I may have peace, despite times of tribulation (John 16:33). We can have confidence that even in hardship, the battle has already been won, and He is on our side. He is my stronghold, my refuge, and strength in times of trouble (Psalm 46:1). We don't have to face trials alone--He is always there, holding our hand, carrying us when life knocks us off our feet. And He has faithfully carried me for the last five years, from the side of my mom's hospital bed to where I am today. That's the truth.

But you know what the greatest, most exciting truth of all is?  My mom has looked upon the face of Jesus, she has touched the scars on His hands. He has looked her in the eyes, saying "Well done, good and faithful servant; enter into the joy of your Lord. (Matthew 25:21)”!! And I can't think of a greater comfort in the world.  

So almost five years later, I again watch the leaves change color and fall to the ground as we near the end of October.  I am reminded of that last night spent with my mom, sharing our last few moments together on this side of Heaven--and I continue to cling to God's truth, the truth that winter will not last forever.  Just as spring brings new life, God promises eternal life. I can be assured that I will see my mom again one day--and I can find comfort in the fact that now, I am five years CLOSER to that day. What a beautiful, glorious day that will be.